Two months ago we got onto a plane to leave our island home and come to Kenya. At the time, we were overjoyed and excited to meet our little guy. Yet, it was not only that. This year has been hard. The sort of challenging that you hope is producing some perseverance, so that it hasn’t all been for nothing…A real James 1 kind of year. We were excited for a break!
…and it has been a wonderful break. Our baby boy is beautiful, and LOVES to be held. (Thank goodness, because all Phinny wants to do is run run run run run!)
Yet, even during this period of rest, God is continuing to work on us. In fact, in some ways, it seems like he’s waited until now to work on some of the biggest changes.
One things that God has been working on in us has been in our willingness to actually trust Him. It’s all well and good to say that we trust God, but when put in situations where if God doesn’t come through things will get messy… well, it’s HARD!
I first recognized that something strange was going on when a series of events brought us to a very tight financial state. I won’t expand on the details, but suffice it to say that my heart starts beating when there’s no money in the bank. Whenever something bad is about to happen, I start to go through the many phases of what I’m beginning call my stress cylce: Freak out, run calculations, talk to Melissa, spend at least a full day (if not a week) mentally sweating, and try to find whatever I can to keep my mind busy… and eventually, I have to give it to the Lord.
and, of course, everything was fine. The money came in, and we were breathing easy again.
But then, it happened again! AGAIN! An almost identical situation as the first time, yet again, I went through the same cycle. And, of course, once again, everything came through just when we needed it and we regained sanity once more.
And so, we come to yesterday… I was reading through my email, and I opened up our support statement: We only received 50% of the support that has been pledged! “It’s getting worse,” I think. My eyes flick down to the ‘backup’ account… before I can stop myself I run the numbers… “We won’t even make it through the end of the year at this rate.”
Queue stress cycle to begin. AGAIN. Full day in a funk… freak out… keep busy (hey, it’s productive at least, right?)… You would think I would learn. Yet, in practice, it is incredibly hard to trust God through the PILES of doubt…
I was reading through the gospels the other day, and as I read something resonated within me and got stuck in my chest.
In the story I was reading, Jesus is talking to the father of a demon possessed boy, and asks,
“How long has he been like this?”
“From childhood,” he answered.“It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.”
“‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.”
Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”
Ugh. Every time, right in the gut. I feel like that. So much on the line. I want to believe. I’m trying to believe. I DO believe. JESUS, HELP ME OVERCOME MY UNBELIEF!
and I come to the end of my cycle… and there is peace, because I know that I am in His hands, and he is a good father. He cares, and is watching every step of our journey. No matter what happens, He will be faithful. It’s who He is!