How is it already the end of October? How have we been back in the States for 18 months already? Its gone by so quickly and at the same time not. Stuck, that's how I feel. Its easy to trust God when things are going well...or...the way I/we/you think they should be going....which is not the case right now...
I am impatient
I am anxious
I am disappointed
I am happy and thankful for our time with family, our friends, and our home body --> but I AM READY TO GO!
I know that my timing is not God's, I'm ok with that.
I know in my head that there is a reason we haven't been able to leave yet, but my heart aches to be in Okinawa.
God has done some amazing things already, things to encourage us and nourish our faith at just the right moments, I'm so thankful and grateful for that.
And yet, whenever I am driving alone on errands, or in my room for some quiet time, I just end up crying...tears of frustration and sadness and pain...tears from deep down that I can't even explain with words...
People ask me/us every week, "when are you guys leaving?" and all I can do is plaster the most sincere smile on my face and say, "not quite yet" or "we are still waiting for monthly support to come in" or "well I was ready to leave last month haha, but I guess its not time yet." And although I know...I know...I KNOW...God's timing and plans are best, the waiting hurts.
I've never loved the idea of my kids growing up away from their cousins, and aunts/uncles and grandparents. But that is the life God called us to, and I thank God every day that our family trusts God with our lives, and supports us in this venture God is leading us in.
I've never been crazy about missing out on huge chunks of life with our friends...years between visits can leave one feeling very disconnected. But I thank God every day for the amazing friends He gave us who remain steadfast and real despite the distance and time.
I've never been ecstatic at the thought of starting over in another country, in a new language I don't know. But I thank God every day that He already has a community of friends and family waiting for us in Okinawa, even if we don't know them yet.
I am in a waiting room
both filled with people
and deafeningly quiet
trying to sit patiently
waiting for my name to be called
waiting to move forward
worried I will miss my turn
I strain to hear
and focus all my attention on the door to the next room
I know I'm missing out on some of what's going on around me
but I'm so tired
its taken so much of me just to get here
I hesitate to get comfortable in my chair
I don't want to get stuck
I don't want to fall asleep
I want to be ready
to step forward as soon as its time
so I sit
and I just
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